NissaAyen

Until my early 20s I have a pretty serious though, not as serious as it can be, issociative issues. What this means to you is that my personality was faceted like a crystal.  "I knew they were there and generally why they existed, and they held to a certain standard of (avoiding shit I'd never do) behavior. 

Those are a million stories from another time that I dont quite remember. As I decided this behavior was not healthy for me I started slowly folding them into the whole. The me that was not exposed to the world until I was nearly 30.

At the end of all that folding I was left with me and 2 constructs I enjoyed or needed which ever you prefer. 

I don't know how to do a lot of the things I used to know. I know that inside me theres a girl who is super confident and the life of any situation who can alternately flirt and fit in to a degree that she needed and ached for more socializing even after she was gone.

It's a strange echo of the past to he homesick for something you both dont enjoy and don't know how to do.  There are weird echoes like that through my adult life as I try to navigate what I want for my life, what I need.  It's hard to dip your toe into waters that you had to level up to in your younger years.  It's a challenge at that 

For instance I just realized that I need to stop acting like im lucky people "put up with my shit." I am kind, competent, and worth the effort. And that maybe anyone I have to be intoxicated to enjoy is not someone I need in my sphere.

But there is the flip side, the moment where a paticular song, or scent or experience strokes the echoes just right so I can remember what it felt like to be that girl.  The good bits that were moslty flirty and fun.

It's one of the things that makes me like the sub type sexual relationship. I can set aside a time where I can let all the heavy guards down, stop ferrying about decisions and just be 

No real secret message here just exploring the recovery.

Wow. I started this about 2 hours ago and got overwhelmed by all the people I'd like to explain, define, and categorize. Life doesn't really work that way. So my plan is to add people to this post as I mention them.
 
Honey/Anita is my would be ex-girlfriend. That is we flirted with a relationship but it never came to fruition because our mental illnesses clash in a way that makes us both sick in the worst ways. She is the mother of my daughter and middle child. She  was a primary and a secondary for my sadist at points in the last few. She is bipolar and borderline  which i only mention because it is how she defines herself. We met June  2014. Addendum: i always knew honey was a placeholder until i could find the right moniker. Anita because she can be an awesome partner, the best, until her insecurities get the best of her and she picks at it until it cant be maintained anymore. See also Anita Blake books for the reference. Current status with the sadist co-parent and nothing more. 

My sadist/Richard  wasvmy primary relationship for nearly 10 years. We met in 2001 and we started seeing each other in 2010.  He is the father of my daughter and my youngest son. He has many chronic health issues.  I updated his name for the anita blake naming convention because it fits. He loves me so much and breaks my heart on the regular because im never who he expects me to be somehow. He almost never means to. We  ended our relationship recently but still cohabitate and coparent. Financially its difficult to do anthing else.  I hurt a lot about this.

The Roman is currently my only romantic partner.  He lives in Kentucky. Ive known him since 1996 though we only started pursuing a relationship October 2015.  He's nearly always been there for me. We also have a bdsm relationship and tried switching once upon a time but I really think living in close proximity would be the only way for me to get the comfort level required to try and be a D type. He's loving and supportive.

The nemesis is a lot of things and as the name suggests not many of them good.  He's kinda like the bad guy in Jessica Jones without the superpowers. He was a witch... a damn good one. We were poly only not really. I met him in 2002 and i was seeing him full time for 2 years and off and on until 2005. He was abusive as fuck and bdsm. He broke my brain and when he left me i had no idea how i would live without him.  I still follow thought paths he put in there from time to time. When he's with me i can't think, i cant get angry, i cant say no.  He made finding healthy a super big problem. Delusions i have associated with him include him being the reincarnation of Alistor Crowley and a repeated pattern on the wheel of him trying to steal my soul.

The dream doctor.... ive known the dream doctor since 1999 when we worked together at mcdonalds. Sometimes we are best friends, sometimes we've been lovers, other times we've just kinda been nearby. We are done with all the labels but friend now though.

Leviathan;  Lev is just lev. With his permission i left his name as is because i can't think of anything more appropriate than the name he gave himself.  Lev and i met ... roughly 2006 before i was married. He's been many things. Spiritual guidance, friend, love interest. It shifts and chanes routinly. He lives in Tennessee however which can be a problem.  We have a standing date Mondays to commiserate with and support each other.

Dark Angel first female love. There are a lot of things that could be discussed and defined here but most of it is irrelevant. I thought about writing about her today so i thought I'd drop a reference point to come back to. Her birthday is close to mine, the day before. We met i 1997 and were inseparable best friends until her abusive parents got in the way. We reconnected in 2005 breifly until same abusive parents got in the way again. I loved her and i wanted to date her but it never went that way. Had to let her go to be healthy with myself.

The marine first love period. We did a lot of things but never sex. We had that constant make up break up thing that teenagers do. I was not ready when it ended.

Rhiannon- i can and have in other places written pages and pages about the complexities of our relationship. She was my brother's ex-wife just about 12 years older than me (give or take) my best friend and my first female lover. She was my mother at times and my child at others. We practiced magick together. We shared everything.  We were estranged near the beginning if my marriage. Even then we both loved each other deeply. She passed away a few years ago and its been a very hard blow for me. 

The hard rock boyfriend got his whole own blog post for an intro but shortly.. the first boy i knew sex was for more than currency and i liked it too.

Romeo could be and may be a blog later. He was 15 and I was 19. He had been seeing Rhiannon before me.  I loved him a lot and I cheated on him.  I was young and crazy as hell  I told him, i didn't get caught. We stayed friends somehow. He joined the army.  We've been talking a little lately.

Merlin was my best friend for a long long time. What I didn't know is he felt "friend zoned" by me.  No I didn't do the will I won't I shit. When he told me how he felt I told him that (rightly) boyfriends in my life have always been temporary and I wanted more than anything to have a best friend for life . He stopped talking to me early in his marriage. 

Fenrys  another long standing romance that started at the age of the internet . Relationship was toxic on both sides and I finally cut off contact. He has his own blog entry.

I know, intellectualy, that coming to my home is the best way to see my son's condition in his natural environment. I know that you dont care about the state of my dishes, walls, and carpet. I know my housekeeping ability is the least of your concerns.

I'm still going to do my best to have a clean house. I'm still going to wonder if you are evaluating me and my family to see if somehow our mistakes have caused our little boy to be delayed.

You arent gonna understand the rollercoaster I've been on for the last six months or the year before that. You wont know that those crayon marks on the wall were sometimes celebration of my ability to put me and my mental health above a picture perfect home. You wont know how every day I work until i feel like I might shatter into a zillion peices and then I get back up and do a little more just to prove I can.

You -may- know that I am afraid but you wont know why.

That I'm afraid what this means for my plans to move to a better home closer to my mom even though I've got no idea how I'll afford it. I'm afraid that the added strain to my slowly healing relationship with Richard will break us again, in a way that might not be fixable. That despite knowing that early care helps immensely and my super guy can still have a perfectly normal life that I'm terrified for him and his future. That even though I wouldn't trade him for anything you've got, I worry that all this is my fault and that I wasnt supposed to have biological children.

I'm afraid of the shame I'll feel when I have to tell people. I'm ashamed that I'd feel ashamed. Im afraid that I'll never have time with the Roman, that I'll never have time.for myself.

When I adopted my wandering giant I tried to change my mindset from maiden to mother. The transition should have been seamless, in my mind. Everyone has their idea of how motherhood is going to be when they walk into it and inwas mo diffrent.

Even without the transition in my spiritual identity, I liked it, I love my precious giant and being his mother. I wish I had been a better mother to him but I was not prepared for the sacrifice I was going to make. When I got divorced, I bit my tounge, held my breath, and did what I believed was best for my child.

You learn a lot about yourself when you have to make that first- "I dont know what's right but I'm going to try to figure it out, no going back big decision"

You learn that everyone you know has a different idea of what's best for your child. They are pretty sure they know better than you and they try to make sure you know.

You learn that with children there are some things you will always question about your parenting. These things are -supposed- to hurt and you are -supposed- to question ot for the remainder of your life. That it colors you and changes you and that's what being mother is all about.

You learn that -sometimes- you are not as strong, good, and brave as you want to be. That the pain of letting my son go affected my parenting for the remainder of his childhood. That hiding from my pain made me a worse mother. That nobody tells you that doing the right thing can lead to doing so many wrong things if you dont pay attention to yourself.

I've tried to pay attention with my other children. To not let the fear of loss color my interactions with my dragon girl, even if it slowed my ability to connect and bond with her. We're connected now and that's what matters. With the superguy I dont have the fear of loss but I've got to learn to hold on less tightly, to breathe life into his independent streak, even though it makes me anxious.

But I've only recently made the transition to the mother role. 2.5 years after the birth of my youngest and I finally am comfortable with the next phase in my spiritual journey.

Being a mother is giving your essence and power to your children and while you still feel the loss you also are given strength into from it. Being a mother is an indescribable exhaustion and elation knowing that you are the source of life and the strength to grow and that you will always find a way to find just a little but more when it's needed.

I'm here and I'm working on what that means to me. I can find strength and comfort in my role and realize that it is so much more than I could have imagined myself to be.

Gods I hope the transition to crone is easier than this.

*just as I declared what motherhood is to me, please dont take it to mean that fatherhood is not those things.

Thanks.

 Thirty plus years of living with PTSD and I wonder when - this- feeling will put it quit. That says when you feel like the tape is right and you are exactly what people told you are... when you were-5 years old, 11, 20, 22....  

When you're too tired to fight the tapes and even if they're wrong what does it matter?

Tired of being here in this place you keep bricking up, fencing off, sealing off, but you can't ever leave.

The knowledge that anger is made of profound grief, broken dreams, shame, and that shiny light of hope that won't just flicker out. That anger is rage and fire.  That the anger held deep is inappropriate and unacceptable, it's here and no amount of self help books, therapy, or forgiveness is cleaning out this neighborhood.

And you're so tired. Lost. Lonely.

And here again today and tomorrow and the rest of my life.

Promised Land

 My heart is breaking into a million peices again. I'd like it to be because my dad is dead and yes that hurts.  It doesn't hurt as much as watching him go slowly but it aches and I wish he was here. His funeral brought the other things to a head though. Things that will never mend.

My family was broken before he died.  I have 4 siblings and only one of them remotely knows who I am.  In my dads eulogy my sister said I was a fucking actress of all things.  My brother spent 10 minutes trying to convince me I never lived in the hell hole i grew up in. That my memories were not important, not valid , and not enough  to shape who I am as a person.

I'd forgotten that about them. Of all my siblings I have one that I maybe could lean on sometimes if the moon is right.  I'd forgotten that it wasnt just me sustaining the split in our relationship, it was years of teasing and put downs, years of perpetuating the belief that I was pampered, not held accountable for my behavior, and not generally a part of the group.

I was abused too- and each time I reached out for support it was worse than being smacked away- it was being told that I didnt need help in the first place, that I was being a drama queen, that my needs were unimportant and God forbid I express those needs.

My siblings dont want me and they never have. It's no wonder that the tape "there is something wrong with you" plays on repeat in my head.  I dont know why I thought my dad funeral would somehow make it better for a moment.

It's no wonder Richard finds me baffling- I'm not afraid to ask for help, I'm afraid to have needs in general.  He doesnt understand that when he needs I can pour and pour and pour myself into the void of his absences but I cant ask for anything from him, especially when he's hurting.

Fuck...

 Say everything you need to say because you should at least be able to use this time so nobody has any regrets.

This is the advice I get from people trying to help me deal with the fact that my dad is in hospice care. I know every day is a gift but I still cant stop the world in its frantic spin. Bill's have to paid, children need to be bathed, laundry done, dishes, cleaning .. life.

The quiet times I've spent with my dad have been short bursts of conversation, attempted rest, and volumes of worlds and conversations that words cannot express, that neither of us have the emotional or intestinal fortitude for, that are pointless when we are about to be separated for a lifetime up to an eternity depending on the dice rolls of forever.

I wish people wouldn't burden me with more than feeling what I'm feeling, with more than doing what I can to support my family, support myself, to keep breathing every day.

I am doing 125% of what I'm capable of. I am starting each day a bit more tired than the day before. I feel wrung out and distressed before I leave for work each day and the only choice I have is to keep walking on.

This cannot be stopped, this cannot be changed, this cannot be negotiated.  I will be lost when this is over whether it is tommorow or next year.

Let some things remain unspoken- it doesn't mean I love you any less.

 Until you've been in an emotionally abusive relationship or something similar you just don't know how powerful somebody else's mood is.

I realized today as the Roman had a bad mood thst tried to spin me off in a panic attack that I have this nearly irrepressible urge to fix it when these things come up.

With the nemisis, anita, and Richard- it's a thing. They aren't doing well and all the sudden  whatever I was doing, whatever is going on, I have to stop and try to make it better, because if i don't sooner or later their bad feeling is going to bite me. I'm gonna get caught in an explosion, or suddenly this mood that I have no idea where it came from is going to be all about me. It's going to hurt me and I can't just leave it unattended and unwatcher.  The nemisis would find a way to punish me for it later, Richard and Anita were more likely to just throw me off balance with their feelings then somehow both make it aboit me and make me feel selfish for making it about me.

I think I stopped it pretty quickly today, recognized what was happening and realized that at least with my Roman that it wasn't needed. His bad moods don't bite, I mean he's by no means perfect but when it's not my fault it's not my fault and I dont need to be afraid.

Now how to address the things that do. I've been having this fight with Richard for a little while.  I guess i need to point at it each time it happens.

I shouldn't have to be afraid of other people's feelings. Mine are enough 

 I can't really say much about when the nemisis left me. That is to say, I dont remember.  I remeber being struck dumb with terror that my Master was leaving me and I didn't know how to exist in the world . I remeber feeling desolate that he was going to be roughly an 8 hour drive away. I remeber feeling so selfish that I needed him to stay when it was better for him to leave.

I remember the last trip I made out to see him. It was high risk because he wouldn't see me if i didn't bring him stuff. I remember being afraid picking it up. I remember feeling like a useless appendage while I was there. I remember packing up early before he woke and leaving like a thief in the night. I stayed at merlins and getting drunk off mead and waiting to sober up and leaving again with no one to witness my going.  I remember the feeling of freedom of committing to never drive that road again, and I haven't though it means I blew off friends I should have gone to visit in alliance.

And when i stayed in Chicago and he was supposed to come see me and he wouldn't, not even when i offered to pay for a plane ticket and motel. I remember finally telling him I was done for the first time.

And how lost  I felt all over again. Looking for a replacement Dom recklessly on the internet and being raped in a seedy motel room trying to get that order back in my life.

I remember the last time.  He'd come to see a concert in Omaha and needed a place to stay.  I let him fuck me one more time and slept on that god awful couch because i wanted to take my power back. I remember him calling out to me to come to bed for 20 min and ignoring him because of be damned if i fell asleep afraid to wake up cuz he's rape me or hurt me if i woke him up.

I remember the last phone call. I told him I got married smugly and asked him what he'd do since i wouldn't fuck him anymore and he said I would if he just got me fucked up. I remember deleting his number and my call history because i was afraid he was right.

And all the hours I spent trying to track him back down cuz i knew he was right. That I'd never let him go. 

And still he haunts my dreams . " I broke you and remade you, you'll always be mine."

Am i???
I dunno.

There are roads I can't drive down,  places I'll never go because he could be right around the corner.

I hope not.

This is not an apology but it is in the neighborhood of I'm sorry and deepest regrets. Having Irish twins is an insane amount of work. And yes I know the voices in the peanut gallery are saying I told you so   every time I mentioned being tired and weary and at the end of my rope.  And I'm loving it the work is good and worthwhile and the children are amazing.

However,  after working and taking care of my family, I've got nothing left for my people right now.  Taking care of me is what i use my days off for and really all i can manage right now.  My PTSD requires a lot of energy to stay at functioning and nobody in my life can afford how it goes when that falls off right now.  I'm tired everyday in that way that  parents get. I'm tired everyday in the way people with chronic illnesses get. and as much as I love to be fully active and interactive in my community taking care of myself first is my self-care right now.

So yes- i love you, I want to see you, I would love for you to come see me ; me getting out right now  is not really a thing. My kids will grow up and be more independent   and be more visit friendly. Bear with me I know that I am thinking of you.