Long goodbyes
May. 7th, 2018 08:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nissaayen I can't really say much about when the nemisis left me. That is to say, I dont remember. I remeber being struck dumb with terror that my Master was leaving me and I didn't know how to exist in the world . I remeber feeling desolate that he was going to be roughly an 8 hour drive away. I remeber feeling so selfish that I needed him to stay when it was better for him to leave.
I remember the last trip I made out to see him. It was high risk because he wouldn't see me if i didn't bring him stuff. I remember being afraid picking it up. I remember feeling like a useless appendage while I was there. I remember packing up early before he woke and leaving like a thief in the night. I stayed at merlins and getting drunk off mead and waiting to sober up and leaving again with no one to witness my going. I remember the feeling of freedom of committing to never drive that road again, and I haven't though it means I blew off friends I should have gone to visit in alliance.
And when i stayed in Chicago and he was supposed to come see me and he wouldn't, not even when i offered to pay for a plane ticket and motel. I remember finally telling him I was done for the first time.
And how lost I felt all over again. Looking for a replacement Dom recklessly on the internet and being raped in a seedy motel room trying to get that order back in my life.
I remember the last time. He'd come to see a concert in Omaha and needed a place to stay. I let him fuck me one more time and slept on that god awful couch because i wanted to take my power back. I remember him calling out to me to come to bed for 20 min and ignoring him because of be damned if i fell asleep afraid to wake up cuz he's rape me or hurt me if i woke him up.
I remember the last phone call. I told him I got married smugly and asked him what he'd do since i wouldn't fuck him anymore and he said I would if he just got me fucked up. I remember deleting his number and my call history because i was afraid he was right.
And all the hours I spent trying to track him back down cuz i knew he was right. That I'd never let him go.
And still he haunts my dreams . " I broke you and remade you, you'll always be mine."
Am i???
I dunno.
There are roads I can't drive down, places I'll never go because he could be right around the corner.
I hope not.
I remember the last trip I made out to see him. It was high risk because he wouldn't see me if i didn't bring him stuff. I remember being afraid picking it up. I remember feeling like a useless appendage while I was there. I remember packing up early before he woke and leaving like a thief in the night. I stayed at merlins and getting drunk off mead and waiting to sober up and leaving again with no one to witness my going. I remember the feeling of freedom of committing to never drive that road again, and I haven't though it means I blew off friends I should have gone to visit in alliance.
And when i stayed in Chicago and he was supposed to come see me and he wouldn't, not even when i offered to pay for a plane ticket and motel. I remember finally telling him I was done for the first time.
And how lost I felt all over again. Looking for a replacement Dom recklessly on the internet and being raped in a seedy motel room trying to get that order back in my life.
I remember the last time. He'd come to see a concert in Omaha and needed a place to stay. I let him fuck me one more time and slept on that god awful couch because i wanted to take my power back. I remember him calling out to me to come to bed for 20 min and ignoring him because of be damned if i fell asleep afraid to wake up cuz he's rape me or hurt me if i woke him up.
I remember the last phone call. I told him I got married smugly and asked him what he'd do since i wouldn't fuck him anymore and he said I would if he just got me fucked up. I remember deleting his number and my call history because i was afraid he was right.
And all the hours I spent trying to track him back down cuz i knew he was right. That I'd never let him go.
And still he haunts my dreams . " I broke you and remade you, you'll always be mine."
Am i???
I dunno.
There are roads I can't drive down, places I'll never go because he could be right around the corner.
I hope not.
