When i say I hate funerals...
Apr. 30th, 2018 08:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nissaayen When i tell people i hate funerals they patronizingly tell me that everyone hates funerals in an effort for me to suck it up and do what everyone else has to do.
I think what they hear when i say I hate funerals is, " thinking about death is uncomfortable and I dont want to do it"; or possibly "I'm very upset about this loss and don't want to process right now."
That is not what I mean.
What I mean when i say I hate funerals is...
In the household I grew up in expressing stong emotion was strongly discouraged and the first funeral I attended I remembering being told for the first time it was okay to cry and I was in so much pain and also confused because No it's not.
What I mean is I feel like I've been abandoned by everyone I ever loved and funerals where just about people who left me that didn't want to, or people who already had wrote me off and I had to be reminded of it in public.
What I mean is I have people in my life that will die before I do and funerals remind me of how helpless I will feel when they leave.
What I mean is that my emotions were used as a weapon against me so many times that I actively fear showing them and I can't not at a funeral.
What I mean is funerals are a unique social environment where there is correct and incorrect behaviors and I dont know the rules.
What I mean is processing death is a deeply personal thing and I should be able to decide how to do that on my own. Being greif struck in public feels like a vulgar way to make somebody else's death all about you.
What I mean is funerals are for the living and they don't suit me.
What I mean is I've had a death wish since I was 13 and resting for an eternity always seems like a good idea.
What I mean is I can't sit through a funeral without at least 5 urges to cut and I am still a recovering addict.
What I mean is I'm having an unrequited love affair with death and he doesnt answer my phone calls.
I think what they hear when i say I hate funerals is, " thinking about death is uncomfortable and I dont want to do it"; or possibly "I'm very upset about this loss and don't want to process right now."
That is not what I mean.
What I mean when i say I hate funerals is...
In the household I grew up in expressing stong emotion was strongly discouraged and the first funeral I attended I remembering being told for the first time it was okay to cry and I was in so much pain and also confused because No it's not.
What I mean is I feel like I've been abandoned by everyone I ever loved and funerals where just about people who left me that didn't want to, or people who already had wrote me off and I had to be reminded of it in public.
What I mean is I have people in my life that will die before I do and funerals remind me of how helpless I will feel when they leave.
What I mean is that my emotions were used as a weapon against me so many times that I actively fear showing them and I can't not at a funeral.
What I mean is funerals are a unique social environment where there is correct and incorrect behaviors and I dont know the rules.
What I mean is processing death is a deeply personal thing and I should be able to decide how to do that on my own. Being greif struck in public feels like a vulgar way to make somebody else's death all about you.
What I mean is funerals are for the living and they don't suit me.
What I mean is I've had a death wish since I was 13 and resting for an eternity always seems like a good idea.
What I mean is I can't sit through a funeral without at least 5 urges to cut and I am still a recovering addict.
What I mean is I'm having an unrequited love affair with death and he doesnt answer my phone calls.
