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nissaayen The last two months my dad has been getting sicker and weaker as the days go by. Yesterday, he got the diagnosis of cancer.
But I've known he was dying since father's day. I've been waiting for everyone to catch up with me since.
My dad is 72, has kidney failure and heart disease. I really don't know what treatment is available to him. I know that at this point anything that decreases quality of life is off the table because he wont stand for it. If he doesnt want it that I've got to push for his rights and his dignity.
I wonder where my mother is falling apart right now. She's holding it down and making decisions and consulting and her time is consumed with his care right now and if she cracks dad will never make it. So she doesnt crack.
I'm cut from the same bolt, up right and stubborn, determined to deal with what needs to be done and handle the emotions later. This is so hard.
I wonder if this is what I have to look forward to when Richard gets older and sick. I wonder what it would be like to hold the hand of the man you've loved for more than 50 years and know that he is slipping away.
Mostly I wonder who i will call when i cant call my dad anymore, when I'm angry, or tired, or I just need help and cant figure out how to ask for it. I wonder how I will keep struggling to move forward into being a good mom without his absolute faith in my ability to despite our disagreements. I wonder who will love me when I am being unlovable.
I wonder how long it will take to stop me from crying every day.
So many people tell me, "if you need anything...:
What does that mean?
What I need is somebody to come help me clean my house from.top to bottom just once so that when it builds up under the stress I am not drowning in it.
What I need are hours of childcare so I can be alone and just breathe.
What I need is money I can spend on bullshit things like recreation, shopping, movies, and getting my eyebrows done so I can relax.
Hours of cuddling and petting.
Some kind of reduction in my workload so I can maintain.
For something to give with this whole buying a house gig.
What I need is a ton of shit that nobody can give and nothing can fix.
So what does that even mean ??
But I've known he was dying since father's day. I've been waiting for everyone to catch up with me since.
My dad is 72, has kidney failure and heart disease. I really don't know what treatment is available to him. I know that at this point anything that decreases quality of life is off the table because he wont stand for it. If he doesnt want it that I've got to push for his rights and his dignity.
I wonder where my mother is falling apart right now. She's holding it down and making decisions and consulting and her time is consumed with his care right now and if she cracks dad will never make it. So she doesnt crack.
I'm cut from the same bolt, up right and stubborn, determined to deal with what needs to be done and handle the emotions later. This is so hard.
I wonder if this is what I have to look forward to when Richard gets older and sick. I wonder what it would be like to hold the hand of the man you've loved for more than 50 years and know that he is slipping away.
Mostly I wonder who i will call when i cant call my dad anymore, when I'm angry, or tired, or I just need help and cant figure out how to ask for it. I wonder how I will keep struggling to move forward into being a good mom without his absolute faith in my ability to despite our disagreements. I wonder who will love me when I am being unlovable.
I wonder how long it will take to stop me from crying every day.
So many people tell me, "if you need anything...:
What does that mean?
What I need is somebody to come help me clean my house from.top to bottom just once so that when it builds up under the stress I am not drowning in it.
What I need are hours of childcare so I can be alone and just breathe.
What I need is money I can spend on bullshit things like recreation, shopping, movies, and getting my eyebrows done so I can relax.
Hours of cuddling and petting.
Some kind of reduction in my workload so I can maintain.
For something to give with this whole buying a house gig.
What I need is a ton of shit that nobody can give and nothing can fix.
So what does that even mean ??
