The new normal

[nissaayen]

 
Everything has really ground to a halt as the axis of my world rapidly tilts to -doing the right thing- supporting my dad through the last transition he'll have to deal with in this turn of the wheel. I am Supporting my mom who is worried more about the continuing logistics of maintaining my dads remaining days than the loss of him. I'm trying to be prepared to be the voice she needs me to be and seek my comfort in solice as I always have done.

Old/new sibling rivalry reminds me why I dont see these people often. I like one of my siblings . I have four.  I dont wanna have to deal with my oldest sisters hysteria, my oldest brothers rigged "good enough" repairs and his wife, who is his stand in because he's definitely not going to face mortality.  And my younger brother (who is in fact older than me still) wandering around like a big dick in a locker room- because he has money and can help mom with the finance issues, thinks he can micromanage her life, even as she bats him back into his place to keep having the life she wants to have.  He judges me (well and everyone)  he doesnt even know anything about me.


My mood is exhausted.  My mood is a creeping depression that is only going to get progressively worse over time until it knocks me over. After it lays me flat I will eventually feel better and Life Will Go On. I cant even wish for it to get better right now. I save my happiness like quarters in a jar to distribute to my children. Is my Brave face to go visit my family and to go to work. That is everything. 


My dad is still alive though he doesnt really want to be. He's waiting for the time on the clock to run out while doing his best to hold on for my mom. He's doing something that I would never do, no matter how much I love you. He will never answer the phone and be the voice of reason when I am angry he will never hold my children, he will never make sour milk cake or my favorite foods when I visit, he'll never tell the same five stories, he will never sneak $20 into my back pocket again- no matter how long he lives.

This is normal for right now. I wish it wasn't. I'm so tired I can barely keep pushing myself on. I'm so desperate to lay down and sleep for 28 hours while harry potter runs in the background. I cant though cuz life goes on.