Fenrys

 So i guess x's get their own blog? Idk. I dreamed about fenrys and now I've got him on the brain.  Unlike the marine i don't still love him which helps.. like a lot.

Fenrys is short for Fenrir the wolf who would swallow the sun at the end of days.  I met him online around 13-14 and fell in love nearly immediately the way teenager girls do.  Fenrys was beautiful, broody, and just a little dangerous.  I met him in person when i was 21 and that little slice of time was like out id a fairy tale. Wonderful and perfect. 

He came to visit me for 2 weeks when i was a senior in college. We mostly got wasted and watched either dark angel or berserk.

We were poison to each other. We loved  each other so much in that young love kinda way.  Too much even.  He was terrible for my mental health, couldnt deal with all the crazy, he wouldn't say he was my boyfriend but he didnt want me to be with anyone else. He would drive me to distraction with his suicidal threats and then not call for days. He would "test" my love all the time and ofc i would be found wanting.

Really cant speak on his side but i know i was just as bad if not worse.



He joined the marines as well just before i was raped. I wrote him a long time but after i graduated i outright begged him to marry me and he said no... so i married somebody else.

It's been a long time since we talked because one of us had to decide to quit drinking poison and it was me.

I wish him well though maybe with somebody who doesn't drive him over the edge.

Cutting

Seven years, eleven months, 16 days and 20 minutes and some hange i think.  That's how long it's been since i last cut. I feel like a very dry alcoholic. sometimes it's a thing that doesnt even exist to me anymore and othertimes it's all i ever wanted and needed and it takes every bit of my will power to keep from slipping up.  

Because everyone would be sad for me and dissapointed and in the end they'd not really understand what happened.  But it's still there.

I feel like i dont get to be sick anymore which frankly is not good for my psyche. I dunno if i think Richard could handle it after all that Anita has done. I dunno if Richard could handle it with how sick he is. Even when  im physically ill there are 12 things more important than me being sick.

That's why sometimes i hoard thoughts of cutting and why i can't always share how im feeling.  I know Richard would like to absolve himself of all blame (except for the times he has to claim it all) but sometimes people do things that are hurtful. Sometimes i feel like all the pain i have is easier to handle silently and invisibly than to explain why its there.

How many days ago... 2908 days
How many weeks ago... 415 weeks
How many months ago... 95 months
How many hours ago... 69792 hours
How many minutes ago... 4187520 minutes
How many seconds ago... 251251200 seconds

And counting