I'm good at selling sane

 Like an expert... or rather like a person whose continued survival depends on it. Some people say it's like a mask they put on and can choose when to wear but it is soooo not like hat for me. Somewhere between learning that expressing my mental health problems would never get me support from my family (and may cause additional isolation) and the abusive relationship where he would drive me to panic attacks and abandon me a block from home the mask became more important to me than eating right or excersise or cutting or sleeping enough.   It doesn't actually take much to understand that people hurt you when you are sick... even when they love you and are trying to help. 

This is not lying anymore than brushing my hair and putting on make-up. Selling sanity is a social expectation that nobody talks about. I'm sick every day but i need people around me to not be uncomfortable so I've learned to be honest about having PTSD without being explicit. I've had treatment, ive learned skills, and ive tried meds and I'm better. And you know what? I am better... but i am not well. Doing those normal things you like at work.. pot luck.. secret santa.. loud parties where everyone is the center of attention.. this is a minefield that is painful to navigate and apparently one you cannot just abstain from without looking antisocial or rude.

It's a mask i dont ever get to put down.  It's not really a behavior anyone makes me do it's survival...lizard brain... instinct. "How can i adjust so people so they are comfortable and conflict doesn't arise? Oh no this unpleasant emotional feeling is here... what did i do wrong? How can i fix it. How do i continue to pretend that im completly well? Or well enough for anything?

At least one more day...