The importance of fighting
Feb. 15th, 2018 08:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nissaayen You wouldn't normally think of fighting as an important relationship skill but it is for me.
The thing is even before my disastrous relationship with the nemisis i have been a chameleon in mu relationships. Not completely consciously but deaperatly eager for approval. "Love me, love me, love me... and give me an identity with your love for me." So i didn't ever buck about things, i didn't fight or argue, or put my stamp over everything because who i was changed from breath to breath and i didnt have anything to fight for.
After the nemisis things changed to make me more a chamilion a pleaser. In my head pleading for somebody to see me inside or somebody to take me over and make me something valuable. I didn't have much to trade but i sure tried.
Fighting in a relationship is wonderful and awful. Richard was the first one I'd go around with and instead of swallowing whatever hurt and anger i felt and letting our relationship rot from the inside out i'd say something. We used to have fights every 2 to 3 months. We'd yell at each other a few minutes then go our separate ways and think. In that time we'd always decide that our stubborn pride was in no way more important than our relationship and we'd open up and be vulnerable. . Talk about feelings and so move on and decide we loved each other more than the whatever we were fighting about. It spead out over time and normalized into a steady, if not conventional, method of conflict resolution.
It made me cocky. When Anita came around I kinda thought that if Richard and I could make it work that surely I had a chance with anybody else especially somebody who has DBTtraining.
instead I got pulled into an increasing cycle of crisis. I landed in a place where opening up emotionally just fueled the Fire of Demands that I was unable to meet. over explaining everything made me feel obligated and like an asshole when I couldn't do what she wanted me to do. it made me feel manipulated and unworthy it made me behave like a liar even though I try not to be one. worst of all it made Richard and and made Richard and I's system fail.
we are getting it back and that's why I started this entry. it's an uphill battle when the rudimentary tools that we were using were found to be inadequate for the task and when we turtod to each other, we were afraid of each other we were afraid any fight could be the one that ended Us
it is so important though that we are free to fight with one another and many come back and meet our differences with love.
So in a contrary expression I hope we can keep fighting and realizing that what we have is worth so much more than all our petty differences and are exhaustion and our poor Mental Health.
The thing is even before my disastrous relationship with the nemisis i have been a chameleon in mu relationships. Not completely consciously but deaperatly eager for approval. "Love me, love me, love me... and give me an identity with your love for me." So i didn't ever buck about things, i didn't fight or argue, or put my stamp over everything because who i was changed from breath to breath and i didnt have anything to fight for.
After the nemisis things changed to make me more a chamilion a pleaser. In my head pleading for somebody to see me inside or somebody to take me over and make me something valuable. I didn't have much to trade but i sure tried.
Fighting in a relationship is wonderful and awful. Richard was the first one I'd go around with and instead of swallowing whatever hurt and anger i felt and letting our relationship rot from the inside out i'd say something. We used to have fights every 2 to 3 months. We'd yell at each other a few minutes then go our separate ways and think. In that time we'd always decide that our stubborn pride was in no way more important than our relationship and we'd open up and be vulnerable. . Talk about feelings and so move on and decide we loved each other more than the whatever we were fighting about. It spead out over time and normalized into a steady, if not conventional, method of conflict resolution.
It made me cocky. When Anita came around I kinda thought that if Richard and I could make it work that surely I had a chance with anybody else especially somebody who has DBTtraining.
instead I got pulled into an increasing cycle of crisis. I landed in a place where opening up emotionally just fueled the Fire of Demands that I was unable to meet. over explaining everything made me feel obligated and like an asshole when I couldn't do what she wanted me to do. it made me feel manipulated and unworthy it made me behave like a liar even though I try not to be one. worst of all it made Richard and and made Richard and I's system fail.
we are getting it back and that's why I started this entry. it's an uphill battle when the rudimentary tools that we were using were found to be inadequate for the task and when we turtod to each other, we were afraid of each other we were afraid any fight could be the one that ended Us
it is so important though that we are free to fight with one another and many come back and meet our differences with love.
So in a contrary expression I hope we can keep fighting and realizing that what we have is worth so much more than all our petty differences and are exhaustion and our poor Mental Health.
