The marine
Dec. 12th, 2017 06:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nissaayen I don't ever write about him. I try really hard to not think about him. I'd rather have 100 nightmares where the nemisis was abusing me than one where the marine loved me.
Because it still hurts. Because he was my first love. Because i poured everything i knew about love and romance and forever into him and it wasn't enough. We were on again off agin forever and i thought when i was out of college we'd be married and when that broke i shattered in a way I'll never heal from.
Because i wasn't enough. Learning how to love with him through all the trauma and sorrow and crazy it wasnt enough. I was still a bad partner. And that last little everything? As much as i would like to hand it over to somebody else i never will because 1. If he couldn't keep it safe nobody else has a chance in hell and 2. Really in my heart of hearts it still belongs to him.
This is why i get angry when i fall in love. I know I'm never going to be enough and eventually you will hurt me. And I'll hurt you and we'll both bleed.
And the sadist and Anita got so jealous when the Roman reminded me that despite the risk i liked feeling that way... sodt and romantic. Of course they and my lide shut that shit down so hard i don't even know that it's in there anymore.
Why.. why'd he have to almost die in my dreams? Just to come back with a ring and a tiara to run off to be married at the last moment?
Like I'd do a thing like that anymore.
Because it still hurts. Because he was my first love. Because i poured everything i knew about love and romance and forever into him and it wasn't enough. We were on again off agin forever and i thought when i was out of college we'd be married and when that broke i shattered in a way I'll never heal from.
Because i wasn't enough. Learning how to love with him through all the trauma and sorrow and crazy it wasnt enough. I was still a bad partner. And that last little everything? As much as i would like to hand it over to somebody else i never will because 1. If he couldn't keep it safe nobody else has a chance in hell and 2. Really in my heart of hearts it still belongs to him.
This is why i get angry when i fall in love. I know I'm never going to be enough and eventually you will hurt me. And I'll hurt you and we'll both bleed.
And the sadist and Anita got so jealous when the Roman reminded me that despite the risk i liked feeling that way... sodt and romantic. Of course they and my lide shut that shit down so hard i don't even know that it's in there anymore.
Why.. why'd he have to almost die in my dreams? Just to come back with a ring and a tiara to run off to be married at the last moment?
Like I'd do a thing like that anymore.
