nissaayen: (Default)
[personal profile] nissaayen
 I don't know where exactly i want to start.  I wish that there as more truth in the propaganda about breastfeeding. When i was pregnant with the little guy i knew it's exactly what i wanted to do for him. It seemed though that, being the most natural thing in the world that it would be easy. Just draw baby up to my breast help him latch and look "magic lunch."

The first week i was nursing i cried all the time about it. You see i had flat nipples and the lactation specialist at my hospital didn't care for nipple shields.. when she showed me how to do it she'd more just do it for me which didnt help at all. Sometimes I'd take 20 minutes just to get him hooked on right... so it seemed like nursing is all i ever did. It was hard for my partners to help me and i was so tired all the time.  I did end up using a nipple shield and it was the BEST THING EVER.

When i started pumping it was it was overwhelming. On top of nursing all the time and trying to pump. Stressing that i wasnt pumping enough was a day to day thing that has just been my life. When i went back to work the hardest thing was all the pumping. And that hour and a half was all my breaks ever.

I work for two relatively nursing friendly companies and still it's a struggle. At the hospital i had to be really demanding and assertive to get my breaks off the unit. Other people seemed to think i was slacking and i was burning out easier and easier because the only breaks i got were pumping breaks. I wish could just educate people on how pumping is a medical issuse. It hurts to not pump, if your ducts get clogged you can get a breast tissue inflection and if course it's how im feeding my baby.

The fifth month of nursing was devastating. I got the norovirus and i couldn't just rest because i still had to nurse and pump when i was sick. My  pumping output when from 25 to 30 oz a day to 15. I took all the voodoo brewers yeast, mothers milk tea, fenreek .. i can barely tolerate the scent if maple syrup anymore because that's what the supplement smells like.  I broke down and cried as we had to start suplimenting with formula. And again when nathan started nursing less and less and i got down to pumping only enough for one 8 oz bottle a day.

But this too shall pass. Now my boy has 7 teeth and is weaned by deciding that he was done nursing (well and one last try that resulted in a bite with a mouth full of teeth)

Im trying to wean off pumping now.. its hard not to freak out and try to remeber (as i dip down to pumping 4oz ) a day that this is the desired result.. to dry up to stop  nursing ro wear nice bras again.
I'm triying not to panic... but the propaganda says 12 months... maybe years if you can do it.

I already miss it. 

Im trying to accept what i can do as good enough and i dont feel like i can share because other people cant or other people choose not to and somehow my pain and panic about what i should do is a judgment on them.


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