![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Until my early 20s I have a pretty serious though, not as serious as it can be, issociative issues. What this means to you is that my personality was faceted like a crystal. "I knew they were there and generally why they existed, and they held to a certain standard of (avoiding shit I'd never do) behavior.
Those are a million stories from another time that I dont quite remember. As I decided this behavior was not healthy for me I started slowly folding them into the whole. The me that was not exposed to the world until I was nearly 30.
At the end of all that folding I was left with me and 2 constructs I enjoyed or needed which ever you prefer.
I don't know how to do a lot of the things I used to know. I know that inside me theres a girl who is super confident and the life of any situation who can alternately flirt and fit in to a degree that she needed and ached for more socializing even after she was gone.
It's a strange echo of the past to he homesick for something you both dont enjoy and don't know how to do. There are weird echoes like that through my adult life as I try to navigate what I want for my life, what I need. It's hard to dip your toe into waters that you had to level up to in your younger years. It's a challenge at that
For instance I just realized that I need to stop acting like im lucky people "put up with my shit." I am kind, competent, and worth the effort. And that maybe anyone I have to be intoxicated to enjoy is not someone I need in my sphere.
But there is the flip side, the moment where a paticular song, or scent or experience strokes the echoes just right so I can remember what it felt like to be that girl. The good bits that were moslty flirty and fun.
It's one of the things that makes me like the sub type sexual relationship. I can set aside a time where I can let all the heavy guards down, stop ferrying about decisions and just be
No real secret message here just exploring the recovery.
Those are a million stories from another time that I dont quite remember. As I decided this behavior was not healthy for me I started slowly folding them into the whole. The me that was not exposed to the world until I was nearly 30.
At the end of all that folding I was left with me and 2 constructs I enjoyed or needed which ever you prefer.
I don't know how to do a lot of the things I used to know. I know that inside me theres a girl who is super confident and the life of any situation who can alternately flirt and fit in to a degree that she needed and ached for more socializing even after she was gone.
It's a strange echo of the past to he homesick for something you both dont enjoy and don't know how to do. There are weird echoes like that through my adult life as I try to navigate what I want for my life, what I need. It's hard to dip your toe into waters that you had to level up to in your younger years. It's a challenge at that
For instance I just realized that I need to stop acting like im lucky people "put up with my shit." I am kind, competent, and worth the effort. And that maybe anyone I have to be intoxicated to enjoy is not someone I need in my sphere.
But there is the flip side, the moment where a paticular song, or scent or experience strokes the echoes just right so I can remember what it felt like to be that girl. The good bits that were moslty flirty and fun.
It's one of the things that makes me like the sub type sexual relationship. I can set aside a time where I can let all the heavy guards down, stop ferrying about decisions and just be
No real secret message here just exploring the recovery.
