From the maiden to the mother- a journey in heathen femininity

When I adopted my wandering giant I tried to change my mindset from maiden to mother. The transition should have been seamless, in my mind. Everyone has their idea of how motherhood is going to be when they walk into it and inwas mo diffrent.

Even without the transition in my spiritual identity, I liked it, I love my precious giant and being his mother. I wish I had been a better mother to him but I was not prepared for the sacrifice I was going to make. When I got divorced, I bit my tounge, held my breath, and did what I believed was best for my child.

You learn a lot about yourself when you have to make that first- "I dont know what's right but I'm going to try to figure it out, no going back big decision"

You learn that everyone you know has a different idea of what's best for your child. They are pretty sure they know better than you and they try to make sure you know.

You learn that with children there are some things you will always question about your parenting. These things are -supposed- to hurt and you are -supposed- to question ot for the remainder of your life. That it colors you and changes you and that's what being mother is all about.

You learn that -sometimes- you are not as strong, good, and brave as you want to be. That the pain of letting my son go affected my parenting for the remainder of his childhood. That hiding from my pain made me a worse mother. That nobody tells you that doing the right thing can lead to doing so many wrong things if you dont pay attention to yourself.

I've tried to pay attention with my other children. To not let the fear of loss color my interactions with my dragon girl, even if it slowed my ability to connect and bond with her. We're connected now and that's what matters. With the superguy I dont have the fear of loss but I've got to learn to hold on less tightly, to breathe life into his independent streak, even though it makes me anxious.

But I've only recently made the transition to the mother role. 2.5 years after the birth of my youngest and I finally am comfortable with the next phase in my spiritual journey.

Being a mother is giving your essence and power to your children and while you still feel the loss you also are given strength into from it. Being a mother is an indescribable exhaustion and elation knowing that you are the source of life and the strength to grow and that you will always find a way to find just a little but more when it's needed.

I'm here and I'm working on what that means to me. I can find strength and comfort in my role and realize that it is so much more than I could have imagined myself to be.

Gods I hope the transition to crone is easier than this.

*just as I declared what motherhood is to me, please dont take it to mean that fatherhood is not those things.

Thanks.