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Free falling
Oct. 23rd, 2018 12:26 pmThe thing about having a serious and persistent mental illness is the activities of daily life are straight exhausting sometimes.
I remeber digging out of this hole before and it was grueling. You do the things, not because it will make you better but because you hope to the depths of your soul it helps you from getting worse.
But I'm struggling to do all the things and I'm slipping and I'm getting worse.
My sexuality is toast and i really only mastrbate for comfort before bed these days.
Work has picked up at the exact wrong time and I'm overwhelmed often from the time I clock in until 30 min after I get home.
I'm continuing to make love a verb at home but it's so hard. Richard and I respond very differently to stress and it sets us both off at times.
Terrible twos and terroristic threes togethet are so much more than I can juggle in the evenings and my days off but I put all of myself into it anyways.
I feel like I'm not making traction in my life. I can feel the threads of my personalities fray at the edges and it takes all my energy to remind myself why that's not healthy for me.
Same goes with the cutting.
I feel like I'm never going to get what I need out of my poly because theres too much ... worry... that the other person is getting more of me. I feel like I'm never going to see the Roman again and it makes me feel despondent and lonely. I feel like I've let Richard down because I'm not the girl he needs me to be and I wont ever be again.
And it's not fair- it's not fair to the people who love me and have to deal with tons of bullshit to get to me.
But you know who it's most unfair to?
Me.
It's not fair that deep inside I'll never really feel safe again. It's not fair that I cant wake up in the night without a mild panic that I'll wake my partner up and he'll hurt me (even when I know he never would) it's not fair that my sexuality is wound up in a tangled mess of trauma and mental health that can not be separated. It's not fair that I cant tell what my trauma is going to do with my sexuality when shit gets rough. It's not fair that sick me is more fun and engaging and flirty than I'll ever be. It's not fair that people frequently dont believe me when I try to talk to them about my symptoms.
I feel beat down right now. Working hard to take care of my mom when I'd rather she take care of me. My greif gets periodically overwhelming to the point of screaming and I cant do anything but keep trying. I just want my house and my kids and my relationships to all work out. I'm tired of working so much. I'm tired of not having the energy to take care of myself and I'm burnt out with trying.
You know what the most unfair thing of all is?
Anybody can leave me behind when they are tired of my PTSD and bullshit and mixed signals and messages.
Anyone except me.
I remeber digging out of this hole before and it was grueling. You do the things, not because it will make you better but because you hope to the depths of your soul it helps you from getting worse.
But I'm struggling to do all the things and I'm slipping and I'm getting worse.
My sexuality is toast and i really only mastrbate for comfort before bed these days.
Work has picked up at the exact wrong time and I'm overwhelmed often from the time I clock in until 30 min after I get home.
I'm continuing to make love a verb at home but it's so hard. Richard and I respond very differently to stress and it sets us both off at times.
Terrible twos and terroristic threes togethet are so much more than I can juggle in the evenings and my days off but I put all of myself into it anyways.
I feel like I'm not making traction in my life. I can feel the threads of my personalities fray at the edges and it takes all my energy to remind myself why that's not healthy for me.
Same goes with the cutting.
I feel like I'm never going to get what I need out of my poly because theres too much ... worry... that the other person is getting more of me. I feel like I'm never going to see the Roman again and it makes me feel despondent and lonely. I feel like I've let Richard down because I'm not the girl he needs me to be and I wont ever be again.
And it's not fair- it's not fair to the people who love me and have to deal with tons of bullshit to get to me.
But you know who it's most unfair to?
Me.
It's not fair that deep inside I'll never really feel safe again. It's not fair that I cant wake up in the night without a mild panic that I'll wake my partner up and he'll hurt me (even when I know he never would) it's not fair that my sexuality is wound up in a tangled mess of trauma and mental health that can not be separated. It's not fair that I cant tell what my trauma is going to do with my sexuality when shit gets rough. It's not fair that sick me is more fun and engaging and flirty than I'll ever be. It's not fair that people frequently dont believe me when I try to talk to them about my symptoms.
I feel beat down right now. Working hard to take care of my mom when I'd rather she take care of me. My greif gets periodically overwhelming to the point of screaming and I cant do anything but keep trying. I just want my house and my kids and my relationships to all work out. I'm tired of working so much. I'm tired of not having the energy to take care of myself and I'm burnt out with trying.
You know what the most unfair thing of all is?
Anybody can leave me behind when they are tired of my PTSD and bullshit and mixed signals and messages.
Anyone except me.
