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Gaping needs
Nov. 14th, 2017 10:07 am My relationship with my kink is complex and spun into knots with my ptsd tangled in the line. I started fantasizing about kink pre-sexuality when masturbation was a thing i used to manage my anxiety and to feel like i could sleep more than a few hours without intense and horrifying nightmares that were not only flashbacks . (Turns out nightmares of all kinds are increased with C-ptsd) i started cyber kinking and lying about my age around 13 to bring color to my fantacy. Me and the Roman created each other's kink persona with texualized fanctacies and hopes and expectations.
When i learned that kink was a real thing actual people did it was an open door and in my early sexuality i played with it a lot with more vannila partners who really didnt get what i was going for but hey.. it was a start.
The nemisis was my first real kink partner and along with all the other things he did and said to me he made me realize this need inside of me could be realized in the flesh, that i coukd be satisfied and calm (if not as safe as i thought at the time)
When he left me the bottom dropped out of my world nit just because of this re-occuring cycle of dependance, need, and neglect. I didn't know how to take care if myself anymore and that was a daily struggle that lead to an ill thought out marriage later but first this aching need for kink made me feel empty and aching. It felt like there was this raw dripping hole was ripped out of me and i coudlnt bandage over it or stop the bleeding.
It made me stupid. Not in the low self esteem because of buse and im just talking bad about myself kind of way but in the way a starving child will reach for poisoned fruit and know what it is when you bite into it because at least for a moment you are filled.
I set up a bdsm personals and and met a stranger. We had a social kind of date before we played and it was mostly okay... until it wasn't. I ended up in a seedy motel room with somebody who didnt love me or care about my consent and he ruined me. He raped me and caused lasting damage to my body. He shut me down and out and i thought in the next three days that i would die of the pain and the shame. I wondered if i could bleed out from emotions emptying into the water with me and if i ever would sleep again.
Clearly i recovered. When i got together with my sadist i found that i could both be safe and experiance the exchange i needed to be satisfied.
But with the grinding exhaustion of irish twins, finances, and Anita's relationship blowing up our lives there is little time for ink. The Roman, like me is lost and disheartened with the barriers between us visiting right now. This need i have is again a gaping would where parts of me have been scooped out and set to the side. I keep trying to plaster it up with bonds of friendship and love and maternal satisfaction but it aches and aches and the plaster keeps crumbling leaving me raw again.
And I'm starting to feel stupid when im not exhausted. I chat with the hard rock boyfriend from time to time as well as the dream doctor and it soothes me some. I'm working hard not to be dumb.
Boy is it difficult.
When i learned that kink was a real thing actual people did it was an open door and in my early sexuality i played with it a lot with more vannila partners who really didnt get what i was going for but hey.. it was a start.
The nemisis was my first real kink partner and along with all the other things he did and said to me he made me realize this need inside of me could be realized in the flesh, that i coukd be satisfied and calm (if not as safe as i thought at the time)
When he left me the bottom dropped out of my world nit just because of this re-occuring cycle of dependance, need, and neglect. I didn't know how to take care if myself anymore and that was a daily struggle that lead to an ill thought out marriage later but first this aching need for kink made me feel empty and aching. It felt like there was this raw dripping hole was ripped out of me and i coudlnt bandage over it or stop the bleeding.
It made me stupid. Not in the low self esteem because of buse and im just talking bad about myself kind of way but in the way a starving child will reach for poisoned fruit and know what it is when you bite into it because at least for a moment you are filled.
I set up a bdsm personals and and met a stranger. We had a social kind of date before we played and it was mostly okay... until it wasn't. I ended up in a seedy motel room with somebody who didnt love me or care about my consent and he ruined me. He raped me and caused lasting damage to my body. He shut me down and out and i thought in the next three days that i would die of the pain and the shame. I wondered if i could bleed out from emotions emptying into the water with me and if i ever would sleep again.
Clearly i recovered. When i got together with my sadist i found that i could both be safe and experiance the exchange i needed to be satisfied.
But with the grinding exhaustion of irish twins, finances, and Anita's relationship blowing up our lives there is little time for ink. The Roman, like me is lost and disheartened with the barriers between us visiting right now. This need i have is again a gaping would where parts of me have been scooped out and set to the side. I keep trying to plaster it up with bonds of friendship and love and maternal satisfaction but it aches and aches and the plaster keeps crumbling leaving me raw again.
And I'm starting to feel stupid when im not exhausted. I chat with the hard rock boyfriend from time to time as well as the dream doctor and it soothes me some. I'm working hard not to be dumb.
Boy is it difficult.
