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Of fantasy and fairy tales
Oct. 3rd, 2017 02:32 pm If you know anything about me at all you know that books are my sanctuary and my dreams. Characters in my books have held me when i felt broken, they've cried with me in my greif, and they've loved me when i felt unlovable. They aren't a just a drug they are the drug above and beyond any high i couldever feel. Books have built my idealism up and held it there when thr world at large has shaken my foundations.
The sadist thinks that this makes it hard to love me sometimes (though not in those words) he thinks it leaves me pining for something that is unreal. That no one loves like that and so it separates me from the ones i love who cannot meet the high standards of more than half a life's worth of books.
Thing is that i -do- love like that. I grew up thinking that love should mean something and that it is a consuming force that changes you and your life. That good love hurts, not because they are hurting you butbecause you feel it so much that it presses against your walls and boundaries.
This has been a conflict in my world view for a long time. I've told a lot of people that i loved them but everytime ive said it i meant it. That also means that for the majority of the people ive said it too i still love, even if we don't ever talk again. There are a few that I've "fallen out of love with" because we've changed so much or something, I'd still really like to be happy.
This conflicted with my world view because i grew up thinking you only get one. I've turned away more love than many people are ever offered. The love that I've accepted if even for a little while is amazing.
I didn't know poly was a thing or there would have been a lot less conflict. Serial momgomy was my thing for a long time. The way i love is still kind of difficult for my partners the sadist because he loves diffrent than me.. the way i see it he wants the one "big love" before and beyond the others then lots if "little loves" for companionship, for support, for affection, so that he can get enough. The roman is more of a "one and only" kind of guy with an understanding of more short meaningless physical relationships as kind of a fetish. For me... all the loves are "big loves" and while i do put my relationship with the sadist first it's not really because i love him more or most it is because our relarionship is my home and my stability because i would be lost without him.
If i could have my greatest wish it would be that the two would do more than respect each other for the gifts they've given to me. I'd have them bond over their love for me or even the frustrations about my illness and my flaws. That they'd truly care for each other and be happy and excited for the joys and sucess in our relationships and know the loss of either one would diminish me terribly.
That's my fairy tale.. That the people i loved would be filled to overflowing until it spilled out upon everyone we're connected to, that it grows and grows.
Man i can't tell if that seems conceited or nieve.
It's my dream though. I can have it be however i want it to be.
The sadist thinks that this makes it hard to love me sometimes (though not in those words) he thinks it leaves me pining for something that is unreal. That no one loves like that and so it separates me from the ones i love who cannot meet the high standards of more than half a life's worth of books.
Thing is that i -do- love like that. I grew up thinking that love should mean something and that it is a consuming force that changes you and your life. That good love hurts, not because they are hurting you butbecause you feel it so much that it presses against your walls and boundaries.
This has been a conflict in my world view for a long time. I've told a lot of people that i loved them but everytime ive said it i meant it. That also means that for the majority of the people ive said it too i still love, even if we don't ever talk again. There are a few that I've "fallen out of love with" because we've changed so much or something, I'd still really like to be happy.
This conflicted with my world view because i grew up thinking you only get one. I've turned away more love than many people are ever offered. The love that I've accepted if even for a little while is amazing.
I didn't know poly was a thing or there would have been a lot less conflict. Serial momgomy was my thing for a long time. The way i love is still kind of difficult for my partners the sadist because he loves diffrent than me.. the way i see it he wants the one "big love" before and beyond the others then lots if "little loves" for companionship, for support, for affection, so that he can get enough. The roman is more of a "one and only" kind of guy with an understanding of more short meaningless physical relationships as kind of a fetish. For me... all the loves are "big loves" and while i do put my relationship with the sadist first it's not really because i love him more or most it is because our relarionship is my home and my stability because i would be lost without him.
If i could have my greatest wish it would be that the two would do more than respect each other for the gifts they've given to me. I'd have them bond over their love for me or even the frustrations about my illness and my flaws. That they'd truly care for each other and be happy and excited for the joys and sucess in our relationships and know the loss of either one would diminish me terribly.
That's my fairy tale.. That the people i loved would be filled to overflowing until it spilled out upon everyone we're connected to, that it grows and grows.
Man i can't tell if that seems conceited or nieve.
It's my dream though. I can have it be however i want it to be.
