nissaayen: (Default)
[personal profile] nissaayen
 She alternately put me on a pedestal or vilified me.

She didn't believe me when i told her how sick i was (ptsd) and accused me of lying to her about everything when i could not control my symptoms.

She believed i couldn't feel as intensely as she did so she would push me until I'd break down repeatedly "trying to get me to feel what she did" (fyi feeling is not the problem its feeling safe when i do and knowing how to express it)
Even though she was supposed to be my best friend i couldn't tell her my secrets because of her emotional responses.

I quit feeling safe.
I quit feeling safe.
I quit feeling safe.

Every time i found center there was one more thing to push me off my stable place.

She used all the emotional resources in my household and when i found somebody else instead of turning to her with nothing left she melted down, raged, and sabotaged any chance for his visit here ro be good.

Even when she admitted she had made a mistake or broken something it was still somehow our fault. She reinforced the thought tapes. "There is something wrong with me," and "i am poison" all the time.

But the worst thing is when she pushed everything until our house could not stand.  She made her dramatic exit in a way that would continue to impact  our lives for years and now walks around as if she is the injured party.

Don't think i don't know what this is. I spent 3 years in a similar relationship hell. I hesitate to name it because with my PTSD i cant always be sure of my perception. I hesitate because she seems to be too kind to be that kind of person. I hesitate because no matter how long its been i still think "it's my fault" and if i were normal or less venomous people wouldn't hurt me.

But i know what this looks like and i know what it feels like.
I see you.


nissaayen: (Default)

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