nissaayen: (Default)
[personal profile] nissaayen
 I miss my BDSM relationships terribly right now. Over the course of the last two years ive gotten into a radical acceptance place about i cant demand from people what they arent able to give but it hurts.

It's not entirely about sex. The largest component of bdsm play for me is that it quiets my mind. The more chaotic my life is the more i need it. It's an hour or a day or an afternoon that thinking and planning.. deciding is off the table.  All i have to do is feel and listen.   It's endorphins rushing through my distressed body and teaching it how to relax. It's exercising my ability to trust my partner.. not to hurt me more than i like.

Of all the things about my failed triad it's the one that hurt the most. The sadist quit being me daddy and my dom and while he still had those energies for her he had none for me. I remember clearly during my pregnancy on my knees begging him to help me with this thing i needed badly.  And hearing no.  It broke me.  I was too much work for him and even though she was getting all the best parts of him she was jealous of me.

I dont know how it broke really. Honey's subbing style was different than mine and he got more extreme with me. He was defensive and angry when i tried to get him to change what he was doing so i could feel safe with him... so gradually it just stopped.

"You're a bad sub," the voice in my head says, "you don't surrender enough. You don't serve enough, you require too much prep work. You dont listen and you're not worth it."  

And i cant help but hear that subtext everytime the sub in me needs and does without.

What does she do for him that i don't? How toes she make it clear it's something she needs? What can i really change.

In the end nothing... she's leaving and im not. So hopefully someday when all this is over i can have it again.

But im lonley and needy now.  Nobody csn help with that.

Cake yesterday, cake tommorow, but never cake today!
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