May. 26th, 2017

nissaayen: (Default)
 Something I've been working on learning for a long time is that relationships get this trap. I call if the "if you love me" sandpit of longevity....

I dunno if this sandpit just happens to me more because im damaged and i tend to pick damaged people but after the honeymoon is passed and you contemplate building a life together you start wanting them to change, not out of malace but out of love.  Quit smoking, eat healthy, start doing the things that will keep you here with me longer. Take care of yourself... but the thing is... the things that need to be changed are things that cannot be born from the love of another person but have to come from your love for yourself.

Like- I'd like the sadist to take better care of his athsma, excersise, lose weight, get insurance, file for disability


I'd like the roman to go back to school, get a job, build a social circle, go to the dentist...

I want those things  not because i want to benifit from them but because it will better their lives, make them happy, keep them with me.  It doesn't work like that though. I can get somebody to buy me a gift because they love me, or probably do the dishes when im tired and sick, i can get somebody to try new things and explore with me....but you cant get somebody to stop being an addict because they love you, as much as popular media tries you cant single handedly pull somebody out of a deep depression because they love you. 

The things i want from my partners can only change because they love themselves enough to let go of the self destruction in their lives. I hated myself when i tried to get the sadist to quit smoking. 

When i was cutting i lost a lot of people who were trying to save me  because " if you love me you'd stop" very quickly turns into  if you can't im leaving.  Really, my answer was  . That in no way helps me want to stop. I had to stop because i wanted to for me.

A lot of my current family drama and loss is a because you love e kind of stress. Honey needs constant reinforcement of that ove so every issue becomes "if you loved me" and the resulting stress therein broke us to pieces. After the nemisis my response to that question is... fuck you i love me more.

Anyways, I've run out of where i was going. 

Peace

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NissaAyen

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