nissaayen: (Default)
 So i had a dream about the hard rock boyfriend and while i could have quietly added him to the whose who list i dont expect he'll come up often and he deserves more than a little blip on a list of people who impacted my life.

Before i dated him sex was just something i did because i wanted to be in a relationship. Parts of it felt good, others meh but i didn't really have a sex drive i just wanted to be loved. I wanted to be loved and i wanted to feel protected so... relationships and sex.

I'm beginning to suspect im anorgasmic but perhaps a tale for another time.

The hard Rock boyfriend and i had an exceptionally childish courtship. It took me a long time to be comfortable with wanting somebody to touch my body and he wouldn't do it unless i said so.  I could be cute, it could be code, but in the end it had to be a very clear indication that i wanted him to touch me, to have sex with me.  I may not have been a virgin when we met but it was in this relationship that i learned how to explore my sexuality in terms of what felt good to me.

It's bittersweet to think of. It only lasted 6 months or so between 2001 and 2002 before the strain of my mental illness, school and work, and traveling 3 hours to see him became too much for me.   We were from different worlds and at the time i didnt know how we could possibly make things work long term.  I wanted so many things that he could never give me.  Except i think he would have in the end.

Regrets

Because he deserved better than me.

Because to this day i miss him terribly 

Because I'd really like to get drunk with him soon.

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NissaAyen

June 2017

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