nissaayen: (Default)
 Something I've been working on learning for a long time is that relationships get this trap. I call if the "if you love me" sandpit of longevity....

I dunno if this sandpit just happens to me more because im damaged and i tend to pick damaged people but after the honeymoon is passed and you contemplate building a life together you start wanting them to change, not out of malace but out of love.  Quit smoking, eat healthy, start doing the things that will keep you here with me longer. Take care of yourself... but the thing is... the things that need to be changed are things that cannot be born from the love of another person but have to come from your love for yourself.

Like- I'd like the sadist to take better care of his athsma, excersise, lose weight, get insurance, file for disability

I'd like the roman to go back to school, get a job, build a social circle, go to the dentist...

I want those things  not because i want to benifit from them but because it will better their lives, make them happy, keep them with me.  It doesn't work like that though. I can get somebody to buy me a gift because they love me, or probably do the dishes when im tired and sick, i can get somebody to try new things and explore with me....but you cant get somebody to stop being an addict because they love you, as much as popular media tries you cant single handedly pull somebody out of a deep depression because they love you. 

The things i want from my partners can only change because they love themselves enough to let go of the self destruction in their lives. I hated myself when i tried to get the sadist to quit smoking. 

When i was cutting i lost a lot of people who were trying to save me  because " if you love me you'd stop" very quickly turns into  if you can't im leaving.  Really, my answer was  . That in no way helps me want to stop. I had to stop because i wanted to for me.

A lot of my current family drama and loss is a because you love e kind of stress. Honey needs constant reinforcement of that ove so every issue becomes "if you loved me" and the resulting stress therein broke us to pieces. After the nemisis my response to that question is... fuck you i love me more.

Anyways, I've run out of where i was going. 

nissaayen: (Default)
Wow. I started this about 2 hours ago and got overwhelmed by all the people I'd like to explain, define, and categorize. Life doesn't really work that way. So my plan is to add people to this post as I mention them.
Honey is my would be ex-girlfriend. That is we flirted with a relationship but it never came to fruition because our mental illnesses clash in a way that makes us both sick in the worst ways. She is the mother of my daughter and middle child. She  was a primary and a secondary for my sadist at points in the last few years. Their status is currently unknown as it is being defined presently. She is bipolar and borderline  which i only mention because it is how she defines herself. We met June  2014.

My sadist is my primary relationship. We met in 2001 and we started seeing each other in 2010.  He is the father of my daughter and my youngest son. Our bdsm relationship is on hold currently because the breakup of our poly family has put an extraordinary amount of stress on our personal relationship and we need to do a significant amount of rebuilding. I love him and we plan to be together for the rest of our life. He has many chronic health issues. 

The Roman is my secondary partner though i hate hate hate the tital of secondary because it seems to imply that the feelings arent as important when really it means i dont have as many resources for him as i would like. He lives in Kentucky. Ive known him since 1996 though we only started pursuing a relationship October 2015.  He's nearly always been there for me. We also have a bdsm relationship but it's more of a switching kind of relationship.

The nemesis is a lot of things and as the name suggests not many of them good.  He's kinda like the bad guy in Jessica Jones without the superpowers. He was a witch... a damn good one. We were poly only not really. I met him in 2002 and i was seeing him full time for 2 years and off and on until 2005. He was abusive as fuck and bdsm. He broke my brain and when he left me i had no idea how i would live without him.  I still follow thought paths he put in there from time to time. When he's with me i can't think, i cant get angry, i cant say no.  He made finding healthy a super big problem. Delusions i have associated with him include him being the reincarnation of Alistor Crowley and a repeated pattern on the wheel of him trying to steal my soul.

The dream doctor.... ive known the dream doctor since 1999 when we worked together at mcdonalds. Sometimes we are best friends, sometimes we've been lovers, other times we've just kinda been nearby. We are done with all the labels but friend now though.

nissaayen: (Default)
The thing about being out is... you can be out to 95% of the people in your life and you are still not really out. I really admire the people who can be 100% real in 100% of their life. I had dissociative disorder NOS for a long time so I'm not really entirely comfortable being 100% real with myself all the time clearly.

I'm working on that. I might never get there though.

It hinders my desire to participate in activism because how can i fight to make the world safe for other people when i can't even make it safe for my true unfiltered self?

Maybe that's my privilege speaking. Maybe because I'm white and the people i happen to love right now are men and one of them lives far away i do have the privilege of looking normal without crisis moving it forward. It's hard for me to view it that way when the dissociation was impacted by the need to look normal as a survival skill. If i wanted any needs met at all i needed to fit the standard.

Honey (introductions are next i swear) belives that we owe it to the world to be out. That things will never get better if everyone refuses to let go of their masks. In this I'm neglecting the community (just as i neglected her) by keeping my shit private. I do in fact see her point, however, in my humble opinion the primary imperative of any survivor is to continue surviving. Survival is one of my best things and I like to drag other people along whenever possible. I'm just sociopathic enough to continue to survive alone if i cant bring anyone else with.

Well okay I'm rambling again (get used to that)

So I'll just say... i might not love my closet but it is safe here and I'm not ready to leave.


nissaayen: (Default)

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