Apr. 29th, 2017

nissaayen: (Default)
 An intrusive thought is... something that slides up in between the moments of conscious thoughts. They are immutable, persistent, and unchangeable.  When you are low they pull on you and echo. They are the thoughts that make it hard to keep walking... keep hoping.

 (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intrusive_thought) 

My big thoughts 
1. I (was) going to die violently before 27
2. I would never be able to cary a healthy child... that i would die in childbirth.
3. There is something wrong with me.

That first thought has dictated my life for a long time. I took big risks, went to dangerous places, loved dangerous people. I am lucky to have not created a self fulfilling prophecy.  I tried to.  Not that i wanted to, i just thought it was unavoidable. Thoughts  that follow this thought are always fear based. I usually have terrible reoccuring thoughts when i break up with a guy that  they would rape me and beat me, ever though they've never given any indication that they would ever hurt me. The sole exception to this is the nemesis and instead i worried that he would kidnap, torture and brainwash me. When i passed 27 i was completely unprepared to still have a life. Ive spent the last few years trying to figure out what you do once you've passed your expiration date.

The third thought is one i tripped across during emdr. Im working on it now  i notice it l. Beyond that processing is still a work in progress.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing


But the real miracle is the tiny little super guy.  I had two chemical pregnancies. That means i was pregnant enough to know i was but not pregnant enough that a miscarriage was physically traumatic. I was 16 and 20 i was really sick then.  There's no way i could have made it through or been a good mother. I never thought I'd be able to get off Ativan, cutting, smoking .. long enough to have a child. I wanted to more than anything.

It was the hardest thing ive ever done. Trying to write about it caused a mental side trip which i will write about next.

It make me feel like at times i did not have control of my body.  Everytime someone told me there is no way i could give birth without an epidural was triggering. It fed the fear that i would die in childbirth. If i cant even decide what feels safe for my own body how can i possibility live through it. I got super emo and felt all alone. I felt like nobody would ever touch me again. I did all the therapy... emdr... talking talking dbt. My PTSD friendly ob was out for 6 months and the one i had was prejudiced against big girls and had me obsessing over every ounce i ate.. because i needed to lose and then I lost too much.  I got gestational diabetes and had to check my sugars 4x a day and somehow not backslide into cutting...

It was ugly.. it was borderline unbearable and unless i had more support I would never do it again... 

The miracle is that i did what i wanted.. my ob came back and  he was amazing at keeping me calm about the diabetes. I had no damn needle in my spine and i had a natural birth... i felt as if all that trauma didn't belong to me anymore... not to this body that created life and brought it forth... i stopped hating it quite as much.
 
They are little things.. that ive accomplished but amazing to me all the same



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NissaAyen

June 2017

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