Apr. 26th, 2017

nissaayen: (Default)
 I have three children and while who is on my mind right now is my little super guy I cant imagine a whole entry on him without also talking about his siblings. So more introductions for you. Hooray!

My wandering giant is the eldest. He's 15 right now (2017) and lives with his dad in Nebraska. I met my wandering giant when he was 4 years old and i knew he was mine immediately. I adopted him just before kindergarten during my brief marriage. His bio mom, whom he still sees from time to time, was allowing him to be sexually abused in her home. To this day she denies that it happened which really hurts my son but he wants a relationship with her anyway. He's got a lot of me in him with a fondness for what he calls debating but what we all know is only organized enough to be arguing.  I could fill a page with just him but I really just want to intro now so i can write about breastfeeding *lol* i imagine his online name will change as he comes into an identity of his own definition.

My middle child the mother of dragons is currently 20 months old. Biologically she belongs to Honey and my sadist. Upon her birth she was the happiest baby in existence and she stayed that way until she started to discover other emotions around 1 year old. Now she is kind of emo as she starts to integrate the responsibility of getting older (at this age really just learning to mind) and being a big sister. My dragon girl is awesome and amazing and i will likely spend a long time talking about her too.

My tiny little super guy is biologically mine and the sadist's child. He's been grumpy since he was born though my dragon girl has taught him a little about being happy too. He is 90 percent charm ten percent asshole (as grumpy babies tend to be)  soo many things i want to write about the guy but not in this post.
nissaayen: (Default)
 Before you raise the flag of transphobia let me say this. It's not their fault or responsibility to address my comfort level it's mine. In the United States i have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. You will notice that my comfort level is not included in that list and nor should it be. 

I have tried to (and plan to) raise my children to understand that your emotions are rarely about other people. It's things about yourself that bring up those emotions.

This issue has been rolling and rolling in my head for a long time. Being as liberal as i am several of my friends and strangers have come out to me as transgendered and while i did not plan to alienate them i was likely not good support for them and this lead to distance in our relationships.  

But why? Im pretty firm with while i would never alter my body it's everybody's right to decide what's best for them. I literally want no say in anybody other than my children until they are able to make decisions for themselves. Ive rolled it or rolled it and wondered what it is that gets me so stuck on something that i firmly believe is none of my buisness.

But noodling about how i feel about my developmental process through my femininity finally clicked it in place. Being a survivor of sexual abuse through my childhood and early adulthood have left me with a somewhat adversarial relationship with my gender identity. I've been a victim and i sharpened my sexuality into both a weapon and a form of currency, and then it was a means of controlling me. I really never felt all that comfortable with my femininity until the little super guy came along. 

How does that relate to transgender issues?  Femininity itself makes me uncomfortable.  It's not my people deciding/discovering they are more feminine then masculine i havent had much experience with the other way around.   It's not that i don't think people have a right to change or redefine who they are. It's that im not all the way there to the place that i can explore how my femininity is a part of me.

This is a me issue not a you issue and it's my job to get better at that.  I think that it's hard for people to just be honest about being uncomfortable because there are so many assholes out there but i promise I'm not trying to be.

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NissaAyen

June 2017

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