Apr. 25th, 2017

nissaayen: (Default)
The thing about being out is... you can be out to 95% of the people in your life and you are still not really out. I really admire the people who can be 100% real in 100% of their life. I had dissociative disorder NOS for a long time so I'm not really entirely comfortable being 100% real with myself all the time clearly.

I'm working on that. I might never get there though.

It hinders my desire to participate in activism because how can i fight to make the world safe for other people when i can't even make it safe for my true unfiltered self?

Maybe that's my privilege speaking. Maybe because I'm white and the people i happen to love right now are men and one of them lives far away i do have the privilege of looking normal without crisis moving it forward. It's hard for me to view it that way when the dissociation was impacted by the need to look normal as a survival skill. If i wanted any needs met at all i needed to fit the standard.

Honey (introductions are next i swear) belives that we owe it to the world to be out. That things will never get better if everyone refuses to let go of their masks. In this I'm neglecting the community (just as i neglected her) by keeping my shit private. I do in fact see her point, however, in my humble opinion the primary imperative of any survivor is to continue surviving. Survival is one of my best things and I like to drag other people along whenever possible. I'm just sociopathic enough to continue to survive alone if i cant bring anyone else with.

Well okay I'm rambling again (get used to that)

So I'll just say... i might not love my closet but it is safe here and I'm not ready to leave.

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NissaAyen

June 2017

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