nissaayen: (Default)
[personal profile] nissaayen
 Before you raise the flag of transphobia let me say this. It's not their fault or responsibility to address my comfort level it's mine. In the United States i have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. You will notice that my comfort level is not included in that list and nor should it be. 

I have tried to (and plan to) raise my children to understand that your emotions are rarely about other people. It's things about yourself that bring up those emotions.

This issue has been rolling and rolling in my head for a long time. Being as liberal as i am several of my friends and strangers have come out to me as transgendered and while i did not plan to alienate them i was likely not good support for them and this lead to distance in our relationships.  

But why? Im pretty firm with while i would never alter my body it's everybody's right to decide what's best for them. I literally want no say in anybody other than my children until they are able to make decisions for themselves. Ive rolled it or rolled it and wondered what it is that gets me so stuck on something that i firmly believe is none of my buisness.

But noodling about how i feel about my developmental process through my femininity finally clicked it in place. Being a survivor of sexual abuse through my childhood and early adulthood have left me with a somewhat adversarial relationship with my gender identity. I've been a victim and i sharpened my sexuality into both a weapon and a form of currency, and then it was a means of controlling me. I really never felt all that comfortable with my femininity until the little super guy came along. 

How does that relate to transgender issues?  Femininity itself makes me uncomfortable.  It's not my people deciding/discovering they are more feminine then masculine i havent had much experience with the other way around.   It's not that i don't think people have a right to change or redefine who they are. It's that im not all the way there to the place that i can explore how my femininity is a part of me.

This is a me issue not a you issue and it's my job to get better at that.  I think that it's hard for people to just be honest about being uncomfortable because there are so many assholes out there but i promise I'm not trying to be.

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NissaAyen

June 2017

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